Friday, September 18, 2009
I am waiting for this last month to be done. It is killing me.
Ahhhhhhh! My head is going to explode. Or my heart. I have too many emotions going on at once. I am soooo excited Rob will be home soon, but then again, I am nervous. It has been a looooong deployment, but this is the first time I can remember him ever saying he would miss being in theater. He has made good friends with the civilians, but my usual insecurities have left me feeling replaced. I hate it. I hate how I always feel like I need to be #1. I feel I am never the favorite to anyone & I feel alone & lonely & miserable. I feel insignificant & utterly replaceable & that everyone would probably be better off with a replacement. blech.
I wonder, is it possible for me to go a day w/o a pity party. Ugh, I KNOW there are ppl who have it a lot worse than me. My issues are of my own making & all stem from me. I have poor self esteem & a skewed vision of me. & it all circles back to me hating me. AAAAAAAGHHHH!
ok, ok, ok. let's go elsewhere. I was asked to be in one of the one act plays, which I am extremely excited about, but need to find some good movies & clips to watch to work on a 27 yr old Russian farm girl accent. The boys say that mine is more Italian. I have been working on the house for quite some time now & it seems for every step forward I take 2 back. It never looks any better to me. & those darn papers, they multiply like rabbits. Every time I make any headway, more papers appear & I can't seem to get them to go away. yuck, yuck, yuck. The day is going in a yucky direction. I think I need to go to bed & try again. sigh. here's to a restart.