Friday, December 31, 2010

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Good Morning

After a bad night, I awoke on the couch to a better morning. Anger had fled, in it's place were insecurity & sadness, but that is getting fought as well. I imagine a small me in boxing attire inside my self sparring the negative things in my head. (I do have a vivid imagination & if only I could express my vision I think I could actually make money off my art - hah.) So today I am posting on the good for 2 reasons. Because I need to share the good as well as the bad - actually more so & I need to remind myself.
After many years fighting the idea of therapy, I have now become a major advocate of it. I do know there are factors with it as well. First off, you need a therapist you can click with. Sometimes people rub you the wrong way & it's no ones fault, just a personality clash. In order for therapy to be beneficial you should be able to look forward to your sessions as a respite & a good thing. It is lovely to have someone you can talk to that you can say anything. You don't have to worry you are going to hurt someones feelings or make them mad or what you said would come back & bite you in the ass. You can just get it all off your chest & then they can help you look for ways to have a healthy attitude, & behavior. The therapist gives you tools to help yourself. Granted most of the time it seems very silly, but you know what? It works, & that is what counts. Marriage counseling on the other hand is helpful in it's way as it gives you a person to talk to, & kind of through, to express yourself with a buffer to help keep from saying things the wrong way or going off on a tangent. They are there as a mediator & somewhat as an interpreter. One thing I have learned is that much of the time, though Rob & I both speak english, we really don't understand each other. But the key to a healthy & happy relationship is communication, so we have to learn each others language. And NOT rely on the other person reading your mind, no matter how long you have been together. One last bit, & I know it should be first, is God & my walk with him. I have to be self-centered in my walk. What I mean is that I need to not worry about the others in the family. I need to go to church, pray & read biblical centered things in order to be happy & not worry about making anyone else do anything. That doesn't stop me from being concerned but it does help me to be with God & in the moment rather than having half my mind wandering to where I don't get anything from anything & just end up stressed. One of the hardest things I am working on is living in the moment & stop constant obsessing over both past & future, though the ADD meds do help with that. I hope this has been a much more upbeat talk today & I hope you are all blessed & happy today.

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Poo biscuits

I am pitiful. I am still up, still down. The boys keep moving around - bathroom/whatever. But every time I hear a door open my heart jumps. I stupidly for a second think/wish it is Rob. I have these hopeful thoughts wishing for him to come downstairs & say "sorry babe, for getting pissed about something so stupid, please come to bed, I can't sleep without you." Oh well, just putting my wish out to the universe, maybe God will grant it. Of course, maybe pigs might fly out of my but too.
1 am & all is not well...

This past year...

this post is me venting, don't read if you don't want to deal w/ my melodrama. Except for maybe Rob as it is also about him.

Ok, I am going to try this again. I can't promise anything as I just feel like crap when I slack off. This last year has been rough. But is ending much better. (Though at the time of this writing I am frustrated/irritated as hell.) I've had issues for about as long as I can remember with depression, though if I had to pick a beginning I'd say it was puberty.) I had fought it in my own way, (not well mind you,) 'til about 6 or so years ago when I finally talked to my doctor & was prescribed anti-depressants. & they do help, but it has been getting to where they weren't cutting it. Esp, this last year since Rob came back. He had been unhappy with.. me.. I guess is what it boils down to, & our marriage for a while. Starting around when I went back to work full time. He didn't like having to do the things I always took care of, & I was stressing at work & basically being bitchy. But nothing was ever said & I was to wrapped up in my own issues & oblivious. Then he deployed & we were separated for 15 months. Still nothing about his issues, but I got very lonely. I always miss him & have always felt like he was my best friend & just missed him. I don't make a lot of close friends b/c, for me, friendship is a lot of work. I have high expectations for myself as a friend & for others as my friend. That is why most of my friends are family. Have to love them - ha. Anyhow, when he came back he was distant, but I couldn't put my finger on it. when I would try to talk he'd say there was nothing wrong & I was imagining it. So I got more & more depressed, but was still functioning 'til my friend PCS'd back to the states & it was just me & him. Him & I? whatever the correct grammar is... I got to where I was non-functional (let's just leave it at that.) I finally went back to the doctor & was referred to the behavioral health clinic on post for therapy. But before my first session things between Rob & I hit the wall & he stated he didn't want to be married to me. (Now he has since explained that didn't mean he wanted a divorce,just that he was extremely unhappy with our marriage.) Finally got him to agree to marriage counseling. it does help, but sometimes I wish I could schedule the sessions for when I need them, though as far as scheduling them I don't know when I'll need them. Oh well. Just have to concentrate on the good. But anyway, I also got an appt. with the psychiatrist & have been diagnosed ADD & OCD on top of my depression & with a dose of anxiety disorder in there, though it falls under one of the others. So I see my psychologist for talk therapy & the psychiatrist for diagnoses & meds & the marriage counselor for the 2 of us. And it is all helping, but what brought on my post tonight was a need to talk/vent/something as my lovely husband went to bed rather than talk out our argument & he is sleeping while I am stewing. I wish I could bury the crap & let it not bother me. I asked (rather bitchily I am sure) him to talk it out, but he has work tomorrow & went to bed. Ivy went to a friends tonight, so I said want to watch football or one of your war movies? He said he had never watched all of the Deer Hunter, soooo... I said lets watch that. Now there are times I enjoy some war movies, but this one didn't keep my attention. Was not my thing, but I just putzed around on the computer & let the movie play. But then I notice that Rob is hardly watching, paying most attention to his computer himself. I started watching him & realized he was barely paying attention. Now before I started watching him I did ask a couple times if he was watching as he didn't seem to react to any points in the movie, he said he was watching. Was getting irritated. Told him to at least go on facebook & wish his mom a happy birthday, so was nagging about that as well. So yeah I was annoying him. I would like to say I am sorry for that, but Honestly I am not, & that is an issue I have to address, but for Pete's sake, If you are going to be glued to the f-ing computer at least tell YOUR mom happy birthday without me saying something 5 times. I hate that I am so annoyed & on the verge of crying. Crying all the time sucks major ass. Finally after watching him I did argue that, No he wasn't watching. So he wrote on facebook goodnight all I am watching a great movie (38 minutes from the end.) I read that when the movie ended & was tempted to write something about ha- NOW you're going to watch for the end of it. But I didn't. But I did say it to him. Well he got real pissed. Argued a bit, but mostly just got annoyed & I said I'd sleep on the couch, he said no he would. He is in bed & I am annoyed. I wonder why God made us to be partners but made us so different (men & women) so it is so blamed hard to communicate. I really wish when I tell him flat out I need to talk he would take me seriously. I get so obsessive over the bad shit, it just goes around & around & around my head & makes sleep impossible. I am going to go & have a pity party now. I hope you all can sleep soundly where ever you are.

Saturday, December 25, 2010