Tuesday, December 28, 2010

This past year...

****WARNING****
this post is me venting, don't read if you don't want to deal w/ my melodrama. Except for maybe Rob as it is also about him.

Ok, I am going to try this again. I can't promise anything as I just feel like crap when I slack off. This last year has been rough. But is ending much better. (Though at the time of this writing I am frustrated/irritated as hell.) I've had issues for about as long as I can remember with depression, though if I had to pick a beginning I'd say it was puberty.) I had fought it in my own way, (not well mind you,) 'til about 6 or so years ago when I finally talked to my doctor & was prescribed anti-depressants. & they do help, but it has been getting to where they weren't cutting it. Esp, this last year since Rob came back. He had been unhappy with.. me.. I guess is what it boils down to, & our marriage for a while. Starting around when I went back to work full time. He didn't like having to do the things I always took care of, & I was stressing at work & basically being bitchy. But nothing was ever said & I was to wrapped up in my own issues & oblivious. Then he deployed & we were separated for 15 months. Still nothing about his issues, but I got very lonely. I always miss him & have always felt like he was my best friend & just missed him. I don't make a lot of close friends b/c, for me, friendship is a lot of work. I have high expectations for myself as a friend & for others as my friend. That is why most of my friends are family. Have to love them - ha. Anyhow, when he came back he was distant, but I couldn't put my finger on it. when I would try to talk he'd say there was nothing wrong & I was imagining it. So I got more & more depressed, but was still functioning 'til my friend PCS'd back to the states & it was just me & him. Him & I? whatever the correct grammar is... I got to where I was non-functional (let's just leave it at that.) I finally went back to the doctor & was referred to the behavioral health clinic on post for therapy. But before my first session things between Rob & I hit the wall & he stated he didn't want to be married to me. (Now he has since explained that didn't mean he wanted a divorce,just that he was extremely unhappy with our marriage.) Finally got him to agree to marriage counseling. it does help, but sometimes I wish I could schedule the sessions for when I need them, though as far as scheduling them I don't know when I'll need them. Oh well. Just have to concentrate on the good. But anyway, I also got an appt. with the psychiatrist & have been diagnosed ADD & OCD on top of my depression & with a dose of anxiety disorder in there, though it falls under one of the others. So I see my psychologist for talk therapy & the psychiatrist for diagnoses & meds & the marriage counselor for the 2 of us. And it is all helping, but what brought on my post tonight was a need to talk/vent/something as my lovely husband went to bed rather than talk out our argument & he is sleeping while I am stewing. I wish I could bury the crap & let it not bother me. I asked (rather bitchily I am sure) him to talk it out, but he has work tomorrow & went to bed. Ivy went to a friends tonight, so I said want to watch football or one of your war movies? He said he had never watched all of the Deer Hunter, soooo... I said lets watch that. Now there are times I enjoy some war movies, but this one didn't keep my attention. Was not my thing, but I just putzed around on the computer & let the movie play. But then I notice that Rob is hardly watching, paying most attention to his computer himself. I started watching him & realized he was barely paying attention. Now before I started watching him I did ask a couple times if he was watching as he didn't seem to react to any points in the movie, he said he was watching. Was getting irritated. Told him to at least go on facebook & wish his mom a happy birthday, so was nagging about that as well. So yeah I was annoying him. I would like to say I am sorry for that, but Honestly I am not, & that is an issue I have to address, but for Pete's sake, If you are going to be glued to the f-ing computer at least tell YOUR mom happy birthday without me saying something 5 times. I hate that I am so annoyed & on the verge of crying. Crying all the time sucks major ass. Finally after watching him I did argue that, No he wasn't watching. So he wrote on facebook goodnight all I am watching a great movie (38 minutes from the end.) I read that when the movie ended & was tempted to write something about ha- NOW you're going to watch for the end of it. But I didn't. But I did say it to him. Well he got real pissed. Argued a bit, but mostly just got annoyed & I said I'd sleep on the couch, he said no he would. He is in bed & I am annoyed. I wonder why God made us to be partners but made us so different (men & women) so it is so blamed hard to communicate. I really wish when I tell him flat out I need to talk he would take me seriously. I get so obsessive over the bad shit, it just goes around & around & around my head & makes sleep impossible. I am going to go & have a pity party now. I hope you all can sleep soundly where ever you are.

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